Yikes! Not Another Digital Marketing Agency!

Yikes not another agency

The shocking account of events you are about to read, are based on the experiences of Jill Senheiser, a ferociously-frugal graphic design wiz and headstrong aspiring entrepreneur. Certain details may have been changed to protect the innocent.


I’ll say it once again…hell no!

Why would I ever give my hard-earned earnings to a bunch of nerds claiming they can help me market my company?

As if I’m dumb or something?

Oh no. Jill Senheiser will never part ways with her cash so easily.

I did NOT spend four years at Berkeley busting my butt and my pockets for nothing! I’ll set up my graphic design company by myself. And I’ll keep every single bit of my precious moolah, without having to share!

I Can Do This All by Myself!

Who actually needs a digital marketing agency nowadays?

I swear to you those morons who kept telling me that in the forums and those costly books are complete idiots. I can learn the same stuff on my own that these guys claim to be ‘professionals’ in. After all, Google is right here on my phone.

All I need to do is type a few words and I have all the information I need in front of me. There’s no need for me to let a group of strangers handle my precious business. Not a chance.

Besides, I have more than 6 years of experience making websites for all kinds of folks. And they all like my work.

So that tells me I’m talented enough to make my business a success, in less than 3 years. All that I need is a killer website—that I’ll build on my own—some seed cash, and a business plan.

Screw all the extras.

Beautiful Websites Make Money! 

My design skills are spectacular. Yup, I’m the bees’ knees.

I create the most responsive websites out there, which is why senior designers always ask me how I got so good, so quick!

making money from my websiteAnd in just a few more days, I’ll be finished with my best design ever: a web 3.0 masterpiece with all the bells, whistles, intuitive design, excellent UI, amazing UX, interactive elements, mouse-over changes, 3D images, sliding photos, shimmering effects, social media buttons, embedded videos, elegant flash movies, the latest and greatest widgets and plug-ins…

Wait, did I miss something?

You just wait. With all of my plans for this site, there’s no way in the world that I won’t have a major grand opening with crowds of people waiting—and totally ready to do business! Once I’m done with the design, I know to submit my site to Google…and BAM!

The traffic begins.

But first, I need to figure out what to write for my site. That should be easy enough because I absolutely loved English in high school and college.

I’m a natural.

Who the $#% *Needs a Copywriter? 

This comes so easy, so away I type.

My masterpiece is well in the making. I made sure to include about 3 punchlines and some p-r-e-t-t-y witty wordplay. I am stoked—all 1,505 words are ready to take the plunge into my lucrative future.

That weirdo who quoted me $250 to do my homepage? Take that!

Sucker!

Little did he know that I was born-to-write; I have excellent grammar and superb speech. As a matter of fact, my last day job might o’ sucked, but whenever my department manager needed to write emails to management, who do you think they called? Jill.

So I am very well qualified to write my own darn copy.

You ‘copy’ that…pal?

If You Build It, They Should Come!

(But they didn’t) 

Hey, what the hell is going on here? I checked out a tutorial of that Google Analytics thingy earlier today, and then I looked over my website. Okay, why in God’s green earth did I only get 4,172 users? What’s a user, by the way?

worried about business failure

So far  its been 180 days, 7 hours, 23 minutes, and 40 seconds. Why didn’t anybody sign up for my services yet?

What does this ‘Bounce Rate’ stuff mean and why does mine say 98%?

Is that good?

Something needs to happen—and quick. I’ve already spent over $2,000 getting everything going and the last thing I need is for it all to fall apart now!

Oh wait, I think if I change that header image and tweak my footer code a little, that will get me some deals closed. And I got to be sure to tweak that navigation menu too.

Time to get back to work!

Paying for So-Called Expertise? Never!

Who needs to waste money on expertise?

I’m doing a darn good job outside of not being able to figure out this traffic situation. I’ll keep every penny I make. Mo’ money, mo’ money, mo’ money—for only me!

Just yesterday, I was asking around online and asked some people who know their stuff to check out my website. They said it looked great. Great!

My website is perfect, I’m signed up with Google biz, I got my Facebook page looking marvelous, and I constantly tell my family and friends to go to my website and pass the word around that I’m in business.

And now that I think about it, my mom’s friend’s dad has a sister, who has a friend that knows a guy—who dabbles online a little. He makes money selling on eBay so I’m pretty sure he can help me out.

Free. Of. Charge.

(Fast Forward, One Year Later)

Jill’s world soon came crashing down.

She filed for bankruptcy and went back to looking for a 9 to 5 job, which she’s having trouble finding.

depression failed businessHer website design company folded due to a lack of customers for over 18 months. She currently holds over $13,000 in credit card debt and owes $973 to her mom’s friend’s dad’s sister’s friend—who ‘dabbled online a little.’

He charged her $100 per month to “do her SEO and get her tons of customers in no time at all.”

His efforts caused her to get penalized by Google and her website was quickly de-indexed. Her web server’s IP address was also blacklisted by numerous ISPs.

She’s said to now be living with disgruntled family members, looking for work in between therapy sessions for depression and drug abuse.

Moral of this story? 

Know when to contact a digital marketing agency!

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Jarvis Edwards

Jarvis Edwards is senior copywriter of Ayiam Digital and he's not really good at writing cheesy bios. So follow him on Twitter @Jarvis_Edwards, and follow our blog to get to know him a little better!

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